Well apparently he's into motor boating.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
