Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
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