and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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