genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
