Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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