3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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