if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
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