I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
50% drunk capacity currently
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
