Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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