my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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