dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
