I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
We left the knife in your bed.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
