she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
