I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
