Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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