Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
