At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
