he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
