You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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