Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
