Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
