I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
