I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
