I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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