btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
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