Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
