she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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