i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
