a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
