saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
not ubering you a puppy
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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