Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i would one night stand the shit outta him
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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