I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
