Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
