I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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