No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
We need to rekindle our bromance
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
