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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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