i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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