grandma shit on top of the toilet
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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