After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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