I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
