Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
19 Confessions From A Dude With A Micropenis
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.