i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences Between Dating People Of Each Sex
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
These 25 Ruthless Teachers Embarrassed Their Students
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Randomize
