Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
Terrible brother advice.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
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He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
I am invincible.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
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6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now