I murdered the dance floor call the cops
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
