In America we eat man semen.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
