I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Couch. On fire.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
