he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
