we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
