Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
