you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
