Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
