whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
