New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
