Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
