Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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