Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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