There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
