So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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