if you like me you must not know who I am
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
