Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
