I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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